Musical Terms Commonly Misunderstood by Country & Western Musicians
by Anon.

12 Tone Scale The thing the State Police weigh your tractor trailer truck with

A 440 The highway that runs around Nashville

Aeolian Mode How you like Mama's cherry pie

Altos Not to be confused with "Tom's toes," "Bubba's toes" or "Dori-toes"

Arpeggio "Ain't he that storybook kid with the big nose that grows?"

Bach Chorale The place behind the barn where you keep the horses

Bass The things you run around in softball

Bassoon Typical response when asked what you hope to catch, and when

Big Band When the bar pays enough to bring two banjo players

Bossa Nova The car your foreman drives

Cadenza That ugly thing your wife always vacuums dog hair off of when company comes

Cello The proper way to answer the phone

Clarinet Name for your second daughter if you've already used Betty Jo

Clef What you try never to fall off of

Bass Clef Where you wind up if you do fall off

Conductor The man who punches your ticket to Birmingham

Cut Time Parole

Cymbal What they use on deer-crossing signs so you know what to sight-in your pistol with

Diminished Fifth An empty bottle of Jack Daniels

First Inversion Grandpa's battle group at Normandy

French Horn Your wife says you smell like a cheap one when you come in at 4 a.m.

Major Scale What you say after chasing wild game up a mountain: "Damn! That was a major scale!"

Melodic Minor Loretta Lynn's singing dad

Minor Third Your approximate age and grade at the completion of formal schooling

Order of Sharps What a wimp gets at the bar

Passing Tone Frequently heard near the baked beans at family barbecues

Perfect Fifth A full bottle of Jack Daniels

Perfect Pitch The smooth coating on a freshly paved road

Pianissimo "Refill this beer bottle"

Portamento A foreign country you've always wanted to see

Quarter Tone What most standard pickups can haul

Relative Major An uncle in the Marine Corps

Relative Minor A girlfriend

Repeat What you do until they just expel you

Ritard There's one in every family

Sonata What you get from a bad cold or hay fever

Staccato How you did all the ceilings in your mobile home

Tempo Good choice for a used car

Time Signature What you need from your boss if you forget to clock in

Transpositions Men who wear dresses

Treble Women ain't nothin' but

Tuba A compound word: "Hey, woman! Fetch me another tuba Bryll Cream!"

Whole Note What's due after failing to pay the mortgage for a year