Musical Terms Defined
by Anon.

A | B | C | D | E | F | G | H | I | J | K | L | M
N | O | P | Q | R | S | T | U | V | W | X | Y | Z

12 Tone Scale: The thing the State Police weigh your tractor trailer truck with

A

A 440 The highway that runs around Nashville

A cappella: Custom of women choristers wearing hats in church.

A Flat - A cheap residence

a la regretto: tempo assigned to a performance by the conductor AFTER it is panned by the local music critics.

A Minor - Someone who digs coal

a patella: unaccompanied knee-slapping.

a-b-a form: a musical convention long preferred by composers who can't "C."

Absolute pitch: Power failure in the concert hall.

Accent: (1)An unusual manner of pronunciation, eg: "Y'all sang that real good!" (2) Sing in dialect.

Accidentals: Wrong notes.

A-cous-tic: Nervous mannerism induced by Mediterranean food at cast party.

ad libitum: a premiere.

Adagio formaggio: To play in a slow and cheesy manner.

Adeste Fideles: Roll call of the violin section (they hate being called 'fiddlers').

aeolian mode: how you like Mama's cherry pie.

Agitato: A string player's state of mind when a peg slips in the middle of a piece, or when a brass player's valve sticks.

Agnus Dei: A woman composer famous for her church music.

al capone: performing while standing on a neutered rooster.

Al dente con tableau: In opera, chew the scenery.

Aleatoric Music: Music composed by the random selection of pitches and rhythms. Frequently found in some professional opera choruses.

allegro con brillo: the fastest way to wash pots and pans.

Alle-gro: German growth hormone used by short tenors.

allegro: leg fertilizer.

Altered Chord: A sonority that has been spayed.

Alto - (1) A person afraid of heights (2) Stop singing

Alto Clef: Antique symbol retained by composers for the soul use of violas, in the hope that no one would take the trouble to learn it.

altos: not to be confused with "Tom's toes," "Bubba's toes" or "Dori-toes".

an Dante: a musical composition that is Infernally slow.

And-ante: Card game comment in the percussion section.

Angus Dei: a divine, beefy tone.

An-them: Those guys (the ones who sang off-key).

Antiphonal: Leaving your answering machine on all the time.

Anti-phonal: (1)No pagers allowed in rehearsal. (2)Referring to the prohibition of cell phones in the concert hall.

appologgiatura: an ornament you regret after playing it.

approximatura: a series of notes played by a performer and not intended by the composer, usually disguised with an air of "I meant to do that."

Approximento: A musical entrance that is somewhat close to the correct pitch.

Arco: Violin oil vendor.

A-ria: Behind, financially (in arias), or musically (behind the beat).

Arpeggio "Ain't he that storybook kid with the big nose that grows?"

Assistant band director - person who organizes less important noise

Atonality: Disease that many modern composers suffer from. The most prominent symptom is the patient's lacking ability to make decisions.

Attaca: (1)"Fire at will!" (2) New York prison for criminal musicians.

audition: the act of putting oneself under extreme duress to satisfy the sadistic intentions of someone who has already made up his mind.

augmented fifth: a 36-ounce bottle.

B

Bach - The sound a dog makes

Bach Chorale: the place behind the barn where you keep the horses.

baffoon: baboon with bassoon.

Ballet: Method of voting for choir president.

Band - 1) a group of musicians who get together to upset the orchestra members. 2) slightly organized noise.

Band booster club - group of bored mothers who raise money to send the band far away.

Band director - 1) person who organizes noise.

Bar - Place to buy a drink

Bar Line: (1)A gathering of people, usually among which may be found a musician or two. (2) Ten baritones waiting to buy drinks on rehearsal break. (3) What musicians form after a concert.

barbie dolce: sweet, but plastic.

Baritone horn players - persons for whom music is written in either bass or treble clefs thus explaining the continual outpouring of wrong notes. ie. "This is in bass clef and I read treble".

Baroque - (1)Penniless Blue (2) The usual financial status of musicians.

bass: the things you run around in softball.

bass clef: where you wind up if you do fall off.

bass lure: a seductive refrain.

basso continuo: (1) game fishing after the legal season has ended (2) the one who is always late on cut-offs (3) when a conductor can't get him to stop.

basso profundo: an opera about deep sea fishing.

basso refundo: the sad, but predictable consequence of the ill-fated "Three Basses" concert tour.

bassoon: (1) typical response when asked what you hope to catch, and when. (2) a bedpost with a bad case of gas.

Bassoonist - someone who can't count or play rhythms and is always flat.

beat: what music students do to each other with their instruments. The down beat is performed on top of the head, while the up beat is struck under the chin.

Bell lyre - Musical instrument designed for pretty girls who can't read music or march and play at the same time.

Benedictus: See "eggs benedictus"

big band: when the bar pays enough to bring two banjo players.

Binary form: Electronic work in which the instrument is always either "off" or "on."

Blues: Dress uniform for military jazz band.

Bossa Nova The car your foreman drives

Bourdon: Brand of whiskey preferred by organists.

brake drum: an instrument used for slowing the tempo in an orchestra.

Bravo: Literally, How bold! or What nerve! This is a spontaneous expression of appreciation on the part of the concert goer after a particularly trying performance.

Breve: (1) The longest note - go figure! (2) The way a sustained note sounds when a violinist runs out of bow.

broken consort: when someone in the ensemble has to leave to go to the bathroom.

bull horn: a brass instrument that plays notes you wouldn't believe.

C

cacophany: composition incorporating many people with chest colds.

Cadence: 1.The short nickname of a rock group whose full name is Cadence Clearwater Revival. 2.When everybody hopes you're going to stop, but you don't. (Final Cadence when they FORCE you to stop.)

cadenza: (1) that ugly thing your wife always vacuums dog hair off of when company comes (2) the heroine in Monteverdi's opera Frottola (3) side table for the music room.

caffinato: play loudly enough to wake up those sleeping in the audience.

Canon: Instrument used in Tchaikovsky's 1812 Overture.

Cantus firmus: (1) A singer in good physical condition. As opposed to the "Cantus phlabbious" (see Sackbutt) (2) company theme song (3) the part you get when you can only play four notes.

Capriccio: A lively coffee for rehearsal breaks, usually placed on the cadenza.

carmina banana: a medieval musical plantain.

cello: the proper way to answer the phone.

Chamber music: What the judge plays in his office.

chansons de geste: dirty songs.

Chopin - What you have to do with firewood

Chorale - Place where horses hang out

Chord: Usually spelled with an "s" on the end, means a particular type of pants, eg: "He wears chords."

Chords - Little bits of string or rope

chromatic scale: an instrument for weighing that indicates half-pounds.

Chromatic scales: Feature of the fish in Schubert's song, Die Forelle (The Trout).

Clarinet - (1) Mr Net's daughter Clari (2) name for your second daughter if you've already used Betty Jo

Clarinetist - person who leaves old and broken reeds on the floor.

clausula: Mrs. Santa Claus.

Clef: (1) What you try never to fall off of (2) If a student cannot sing, he may have an affliction of the palate, called a clef. (3) Something to jump from if you can't sing and you have to teach elementary school. (4) something to jump from before the viola solo. (5) What a depressed musician jumps off.

Coda: Analgesic for rehearsal headaches.

Coloratura Soprano: A singer who has great trouble finding the proper note, but who has a wild time hunting for it.

Compound Meter: A place to park your car that requires two dimes.

Con Brio: Done with scouring pads and washboards.

Concert pitch: Advertising the event.

concerto con carne: a piece for single instrument played in a "chili" manner.

Concerto grosso: (1) A concert of, for example, accordions or kazoos. (2) a really BAD performance. (3) Really ugly prison choir uniform.

Con-certo: Prison choir uniform.

Conduct: The type of air vents in a prison, especially designed to prevent escape. Could also be installed for effective use in a practice room.

conductor: (a) a musician who is adept at following many people at the same time, (b) the man who punches your ticket to Birmingham .

conductor: (a) a musician who is adept at following many people at the same time, (b) the man who punches your ticket to Birmingham .

Consecutive fifth: Another visit to the bar.

contrababoon: the simian assistant of a Latin American revolutionary organ grinder.

Contralto: (1) An alto who has been convicted. (2) An alto who has done time.

Contrapuntal: Opposed to singing gondoliers.

Coral Symphony: (see Beethoven - Caribbean period).

cornetti trombosis: disastrous entanglement of brass instruments that can occur when musicians are not careful exiting the stage. Has also been known to occur in marching bands.

Counterpoint: A favorite device of many Baroque composers, all of whom are dead, though no direct connection between these two facts has been established. Still taught in many schools, as a form of punishment.

Countertenor: A singing waiter.

crashendo: the increasing sense of aggravation felt by band members as those trumpet players keep dropping their mutes on the hard stage floor.

Cresc.: Manger scene for Christmas cantata.

Crescendo: A reminder to the performer that he/she has been playing too loudly.

Crotchet: (1) A type of needlework (2) A tritone with a bent prong (3) It's like knitting but it's faster

Cue: Meaningless gesture by conductor.

cut time: (a) parole, (b) when everyone else is playing twice as fast as you are. (3) when you're going twice as fast as everyone else in the orchestra.

cymbal: what they use on deer-crossing signs so you know what to sight-in your pistol with.

Cymbals - Little pictures that mean things

D

D.C. al capone: You betta go back to the beginning, capiche?

D.C.: Home of the Kennedy Center for the Performing Arts.

Da Capo - A type of coffee

Da capo al fine: I like your hat!

Dal Segno: A place in the music where everyone stops playing while they look for the Sign.

detaché: an indication that the trombones are to play with their slides removed.

Detached: An indication that the trombones are to play with the slides removed.

di lasso: popular with Italian cowboys.

Diapason: Sanitary clothing for a very young organist. Open diapason: You don't want to know. Stopped diapason: Don't even think about it.

Diatonic: (1) A low fat drink diatonic (2) low-calorie Schweppes (3) this is what happens to some musicians.

Diatonic scale: Measures the mass (q.v.) of largos (q.v.) after a diet of tonic water.

dill piccolo: a wind instrument that plays only sour notes.

Dim.: Light strength by which you have to read the music.

diminderwindo: fading of daylight at dusk, as seen from indoors.

diminished fifth: an empty bottle of Jack Daniels.

Diminished interval: (1) shortened intermission in England (2) time set by the conductor to avoid the effects of a Major Interval.

Diminuendo: The process of quieting a rumor in the orchestra pit.

Discord: Not to be confused with Datcord!

Disc-ord: Program the songs on your CD player.

Do: Deer of song.

Dodecaphonist: Person who has finally discovered the limitations of being a pop guitarist.

Dominant: (1) An adjective used to describe the voice of a child who sings off key or out of tune. (2) In a relationship, usually the alto. (3) In an operatic relationship, usually the mezzo-soprano.

Double bar: Drinks cost twice as much here.

Double flat: Duplex apartment for musicians.

Down beat: Music critic's sphere of activity.

Drum major - student band director who thinks he or she is directing the band but merely moves hands in the same tempo on every song like a robot.

ducita: a lot of mallards.

Duple Meter: May take any even number of coins.

Duration: Can be used to describe how long a musical director or teacher can exercise self-control.

E

eardrum: a teeny, tiny tympani.

Early music: 9 a.m. rehearsal.

Embouchre: The way you look when you've been playing the Krummhorn

English Horn: Neither English nor a horn, not to be confused with the French Horn, which is German.

Equal Tepmerament:Orchestra in which the string and brass players are compatible... metaphorically speaking.

Espressivo: Close eyes and play with a wide vibrato.

Esspressívo: Coffee for early music.

estampie: what they put on letters in Quebec .

etude brute: an early form of Roman music performed with a rapid, sharp repetitive beat.

Étude: Maestro's study.

Euphonium: Instrument played by incompetent musician.

Euphony: Frank comment to an incompetent musician.

Expressivo: Close eyes and play with a wide vibrato.

F

f: Forceful.

False relation: Your bad twin who sings off-key.

Fanfare: What to feed the patrons during intermission.

Fantasie: Dmitri Hvorostovsky in leather pants and a t-shirt.

Fermantra: A note that is held over and over and over and...

Fermata: A brand of girdle made especially for opera singers.

fermattahorn: an Alpine wind instrument used for playing long notes.

Fermented fifth: What the percussion players keep behind the tympani, which resolves to a 'distilled fifth', which is what the conductor uses backstage.

fermoota: a rest of indefinite length and dubious value.

ff: Frightfully forceful.

fff: Fearfully frightfully forceful.

fiddler crabs: grumpy string players.

Figured bass: He has tattoos.

Final Cadence: when they FORCE you to stop.

Fine: That was great!

First Inversion: (1) Grandpa's battle group at Normandy (2) Reason for first-stage smog alert.

Fith: Amount needed by the lead trumpet player to see him through the gig.

Flat: This is what happens to a tonic if it sits too long in the open air.

Flautist: (1) person who plays the flute. Orchestras need only three but bands seem to require about four hundred. (2) One who disregards acceptable musical behavior.

flute flies: gnat-like bugs that bother musicians playing out-of-doors.

Flute: A sophisticated pea shooter with a range of up to 500 yards, blown transversely to confuse the enemy.

Fog horn: A brass instrument that plays when the conductor's intentions are not clear.

follyphonic: harmonized and arranged badly.

Form: (1) The people of paper to be filled out in triplicate in order to get enough money from the Arts Council to play the composition. (2) The shape of a composition. (3) The shape of the musician playing the composition.

Forte: Make warlike sounds.

Forte-Piano: make your own choice of dynamic.

fortississippi: with mighty, flowing strength.

French horn: Your wife says you smell like a cheap one when you come in at 4 a.m.

French hornist - French horn player who has to tear apart their instrument to empty his or her spit valve.

French Suites: Bonbons, chocolat, éclairs, etc.

Fret - To get upset Full Score - Ten out of ten

Frugalhorn: A sensible, inexpensive brass instrument.

fruitti tutti: a chorus singing together in an exaggerated, overripe manner.

Fugal style: Performed at lowest possible cost.

Full score: Very complicated music for 20 performers.

G

Garglefinklein: A tiny recorder played by neums

Gaul blatter: A French horn player.

German Suites: Süßes, Pralinen, Sachertorte, etc.

Gewandhaus: Place to buy batons.

Gigue: Performance for pay.

Glissando: (1) The musical equivalent of slipping on a banana peel. (2) A technique adopted by string players for difficult runs. (3) What usually precedes the highest note in the soprano's big aria.

Good conductor: A person who can give an electrifying performance.

Gopak: Prepare for Russian concert tour.

grace note: (1) the I.O.U. you deposit in the church collection plate when you're out of cash. (2) Very nice letter from a concert goer.

Grand Pause: What occurs when the conductor loses his place.

Grand piano: Instrument worth $1,000.

Gregorian champ: Monk who can hold a note the longest.

Gregorian chant: A way of singing in unison, invented by monks to hide snoring.

ground brass: when someone in the marching band drops a sousaphone.

groundhog: someone who takes control of the repeated bass line and won't let others play it.

H

Half note: Read the music absent-mindedly.

half step: the pace used by a cellist when carrying his instrument.

Harmonic Minor: A good music student.

Harmony: (1) A corn-like food eaten by people with accents (see above for definition of accent). (2) from 'harm' + Old English 'oni,' without; combination of notes not causing pain.

Harp: (1) Example - "If I've told you once, I've told you a thousand times . . ." (2) Instrument that needs a calculator and Fred Astaire feet to play chromatically.

Hemiola: (1) A hereditary blood disease caused by chromatics. (2) Burst blood vessel from attempting high trumpet parts.

Herbert von Carryon: A conductor who never rides in the cargo hold.

Heroic Tenor: A singer who gets by on sheer nerve and tight clothing.

Heterophony: The only kind of music allowed at the Southern Baptist Convention.

Hexachord: Guido's six notes to frighten evil spirits away.

Hillbilly music: Songs written by Arkansas composer William Hill.

Hocket: The thing that fits into a crochet to produce a rackett

Hrotta: Another name for the crwth, really!

Hurdy-gurdy: A truss for medieval percussionists who get Organistrum.

Hymn: In medieval texts, the counterpart to Hyr.

hyperportamento: a tone that soars, bends, strains until it pierces into another dimension and leaves, ever after, a porthole to heaven.

I

Im-prompt-u: Cockney theatre instruction to actor.

Interval: How long it takes you to find the right note. There are three kinds: Major Interval - A long time; Minor Interval - A few bars; Inverted Interval - When you have to back one bar and try again

intonation: (1) singing through one's nose. Considered highly desirable in the Middle Ages. (2) warning phrase sung to wake up audience before the main song begins.

Inverted interval: when you have to go back a bar and try again.

Isorhythmic: OK, Jamal, but try not to brag.

isorhythmic motet: when half of the ensemble got a different edition from the other half.

J

Jam session: Trying to get into your old tuxedo.

Jazz: Cuban approximation of the English "Yes."

Jig: Melody stolen from another composer. If discovered, "the jig is up."

K

Kaddish: Sing with an inconsiderate, insensitive tone.

Kazoo: Barbershop musical instrument.

Key signature: The one on the paycheck for your gigue.

Klavier: St. Francis Klavier, patron saint of pianists.

Klavierstück: What happens when you move a 4' wide piano through a 3'11" doorway.

Koto: Bow three times respectfully before commencing performance.

Kvetchendo: Gradually getting annoyingly louder

L

Lamentoso: With handkerchiefs.

Largo : Minimum height of 6'2" required to perform this music.

lasso: the 6th and 5th steps of a descending scale.

Lauda: The difference between shawms and krummhorns

Leger lines: Used by the Choir Treasurer to track expenses.

Leitmotif: Like a regular motif, but less filling.

Lieder: The one with the baton.

Lizst: Archaic command, equivalent to 'Hearken.'

Lute: (1) Lots of money (2) Your share of the box office.

Lyre: (1) Telling 'Porky Pies' (2) Someone who tells you he is P.D.Q. Bach's cousin.

M

maestrousseau: at the pace of a wedding march.

Major interval: (1) a long time (2) One in which too much refreshment is consumed.

Major Key - A general in the Korean army

Major Scale: (1) What you say after chasing wild game up a mountain: "Damn! That was a major scale!" (2) Used for weighing Largo people.

Major Triad: The name of the head of the Music Department.

mallade: a romantic song that's pretty awful.

Mass: Total weight derived from the major and minor scales.

matterhorn: an intrument of cosmic influence designed to create something out of nothing.

Mean-Tone Temperament: One's state of mind when everybody's trying to tune-up at the same time.

Measure: (1) Amount of alcohol Midi - A small glass of beer (2) Distance in millimetres between two bar lines.

Megaphone: Member of the same brass-reed family as the Microphone, which toppled over during its first solo performance and killed the entire string section.

Melodic Minor Loretta Lynn's singing dad

Messiah: An oratorio by Handel performed every Christmas by choirs that believe they are good enough, in co-operation with musicians who need the money.

Meter Signature: The name of the Traffic Warden who writes you a ticket when you put an odd number of coins in a duple meter.

Metronome: A dwarf who lives in the city

Mezzo-soprano: Soprano from the Mezozoic age.(Does anyone know why there are no mezzo-tenors?)

mf: Mostly forceful.

Microphone: Wrong instrument.

Middle C: the only fruit drink you can afford when food stamps are low.

Miniature score: Music for 20 very small performers.

minnesinger: a boy soprano.

Minor interval: a few bars.

Minor scale: Used for weighing the others.

minor third: your approximate age and grade at the completion of formal schooling.

Minor Triad: the name of the wife of the head of the Music Department.

Minuet: Your chances of becoming a rich and famous musician.

MM: Hum this passage.

Modal: Fashionable way to sing.

Modulation: "Nothing is bad in modulation."

molto bolto: head straight for the ending, but don't make it seemed rushed.

Mosso: With a soft and furry tone.

Motet: Small and inexpensive inn for travelling musicians.

Mozart - Mosquito's paintings

mp: Mostly peaceful.

mucho caffinato: play loudly enough to wake up those sleeping in the audience.

Music: A complex organizations of sounds that is set down by the composer, incorrectly interpreted by the conductor, who is ignored by the musicians, the result of which is ignored by the audience.

Musica Ficta: When you lose your place and have to bluff till you find it again. Also known as faking

N

Natural: Accidentally sound like Robert Redford.

Neapolitan Sixth: Small portion of mixed-flavour ice cream eaten after concerts.

neumatic melishma: a bronchial disorder caused by hockets.

neums: renaissance midgets.

Nocturne: Music played in the dark (see Absolute pitch).

Note - $10 bill

O

Oboe: (1) woodwind instrument which never works (2) an ill wind that nobody blows good.

Octet: Or Oktet, a Motet approved by the Auto Club (see Motet).

oeuferture: musical composition commissioned by the National Egg Marketing Council.

Op.: Operating procedure, usually numbered according to conductor's manual.

Open diapason: You don't want to know.

Opera: (1) An American Talk Show Host (2) Music which would undoubtedly sound much nicer without the singers (3) When a guy gets stabbed in the back and instead of bleeding, he sings.

Opera buffa: (1) Musical stage production at a nudist camp (2) Opera with nude scenes.

Opus: A penguin in Kansas .

Opus: Ode to a Manx cat.

oraToro: a lawn mower may be substituted for the soloist at this point.

Orchestral Suites: Naughty women who follow touring orchestras

order of sharps: what a wimp gets at the bar.

Ordo: The hero in Tolkien's "Lord of the Rings" (Snaps for Frodo)

Organ Swell: (see biology!).

Organistrum: A job-related hazard for careless medieval percussionists, caused by getting one's tapper caught in the clapper.

Organum: The annoying hum from some electronic organs.

Ornaments: OK on the Christmas tree, not OK on your piano, where they can make a buzz.

Overtone: A note sung sharp.

Overtone: Sound produced by a player who believes he/she is the only one right.

P

p: Peaceful.

Part song: Moses' aria when confronting the Red Sea in Exodus.

Passing notes: This really upsets the director.

Passing tone: frequently heard near the baked beans at family barbecues.

pastorale: beverage to drink in the country when listening to Beethoven with a member of the clergy.

Pause: A short period in an individual voice in which there should be relative quiet. Useful when turning to the next page in the score, breathing, emptying the horn of salvia, coughing, etc. Is rarely heard in baroque music. Today, the minimum requirements for pauses in individual pieces are those of the Musicians' Union (usually one per bar, or 15 minutes per hour).

Pentatonic scale: (1) Price list for the penthouse mini-bar (2) Used by composers who don't know how to voice a Dominant 7th chord.

Percussion director - organizer of tribal and primitive cacophonies of sound to help cover up the noise of the band.

Percussion section - area of study designed as an enhancement course for students who never perfected the techniques of rhythm band in kindergarden and the first grade.

Percussionist - person who could not pass the Selmer test.

Perfect Fifth A full bottle of Jack Daniels

perfect pitch: (1) the smooth coating on a freshly paved road (2) Throwing a banjo in the dumpster without hitting the sides.

Performance Practice: Sex education

phollyphonic: badly arranged harmonizations.

pianissimo: "refill this beer bottle".

pianorama: instrument capable of broad, sweeping musical performances.

Piccolo - a more annoying flute.

pipe smoker: an extremely virtuosic organist.

Pitch - The black stuff they put on roads

pizzacato: the act of removing anchovies from an Italian dish with short, quick motions and tossing them to a nearby awaiting feline friend.

Placebo Domingo: faux tenor.

plague: a collective noun, as in "a plague of conductors."

Pneumatic melisma: A bronchial disorder caused by hockets.

pollyphonic: orchestra made up of lots of parrots.

Polonaise: A condiment frequently put on a parrot sandwich.

Polychoral motet: Six parrots singing "Exultate justi."

Polyphony: Parrot song.

Poochini: When singing, to be accompanied by your dog.

Portamento: (1) A foreign country you've always wanted to see (2) Bag for carrying music scores.

Postlude: Folk song performed by mailmen.

pp: Pretty peaceful.

ppp: Pretty plentifully peaceful.

praylude: a cue, found in some of the earlier oratorios, instructing those singing the roles of the wicked to pray in a profane or offensive manner.

Pre-Classical Conservatism: school of thought which fostered the idea, "If it ain't Baroque, don't fix it."

Prelude: A cue, found in some of the earlier oratorios, instructing those singing the roles of the wicked to pray in an offensive or profane manner. (Pray lewd?)

preparatory beat: a threat made to singers, i.e., sing, or else....

presto chango: quickly going from a very fast to a very slow tempo.

Psaltery: Instrument for performing psalms and psonatas.

pseudo-dolce: Nutrasweet.

Q

Quarter Tone What most standard pickups can haul

quaver: beginning viol class.

Quint: What happens when the stage lights shine into your eyes.

Quodlibet: What happens in rehearsal when some performers begin at the wrong place in the score.

R

Rackett: Capped reeds class

Ragtime: Wipe those perspiring brows!

Rall.: From Rally round the flag; slow down and salute.

Rallentando: What happens when the pizz bass player gets a cramp

Rank: Classification of organ pipes. Killing the organist is considered a rank injustice.

Recapitulation: What usually happens after eating a parrot sandwich.

Recit.: Wretched, describing the composer's attempt to find a melody before the aria begins.

recitative: a disease that Monteverdi had.

Relative Major: An uncle in the Marine Corps

Relative Minor: (1) a girlfriend (2) your nephew.

repeat: what you do until they just expel you.

Reprise: Punishment, as when a choir is made to repeat a section and get it right.

Rhythmic drone: The sound of many monks suffering with Crotchet.

risoluto: indicates to orchestras that they are to stubbornly maintain the correct tempo no matter what the conductor tries to do.

Rit.: Sing exactly as written.

Ritard There's one in every family

Ritornello: An opera by Verdi

rooti tooti: use of a potato as a trumpet mute.

rota: an early Italian method of teaching music without score or parts.

Round: One canon load (see canon).

rubato: (1) cross between rhubarb and a tomato (2) expression used to describe irregular behaviour in a performer with sensations of angst in the mating period. Especially common amongst tenors.

S

Sackbut: Trombonists get this shape from long hours of sitting.

Sackbutt: A soprano over the age of 65.

sancta: Clausula's husband.

Saxophonist: (1) retard. (2) big retard. (3) person who is only needed to play in loud bars where people are too drunk to know the difference, but some people feel the need the write parts for them in orchestral scores.

Scherzo: A joke, really. How can we improve on that?

Schmaltzando: a sudden burst of music from the Guy Lombardo orchestra.

Score: (1) Basses 2, Castrati 0 (2) Music for 20 performers.

Second inversion: Reason for second stage smog alert.

Semichorus: Truck drivers' glee club.

Semitone: Wrong mouthpiece.

Sempre: An affectation of sycophantic speech.

Senza sordino: A term used to remind the player that he forgot to put his mute on a few measures back.

Sextet: A motet (q.v.) of doubtful reputation.

sfz.: Suddenly forceful zinger.

Sharp: (1) Pointy (2) Some notes require more intelligence to perform. These are marked # sharp.

Shofar: Shogood. Progress marker.

Sight-reading: A lot easier than Braille music.

sine proprietate: cussing in church.

Smorzando: The "All-You-Can-Eat" buffet at Luciano's kitchen.

snacktus: Quiet, contemplative music played during the appetizer at Catholic wedding receptions.

Soft pedal: One covered with a felt sleeve.

Solo: Same as pppp.

Sonata: (1) Frank. . .'Ole Blue Eyes' (2) what you get from a bad cold or hay fever.

Song cycle: Schwinn model fitted with built-in stereo.

Sosaphone: a cylindrical wooden instrument used to play smash hits.

Sotto voce: Tone of voice for drinking song, or brindisi .

Sousaphone: Answering machine that plays military marches.

spinet: politician's order.

spritzicato: plucking of a stringed instrument to produce a bright, bubbly sound, usually accompanied by sparkling water with lemon.

staccato: how you did all the ceilings in your mobile home.

Staff - A big stick

Status cymbal: An instrument to be played at inaugurations and socialite balls.

Stopped diapason: Don't even think about it.

Stops: Something Bach did not have on his organ

String Quartet: a good violinist, a bad violinist, an ex-violinist, and someone who hates violinists, all getting together to complain about composers.

Subito piano: Indicates an opportunity for some obscure orchestra player to become a soloist.

supertonic: Schweppes.

Suspension: Dismissed from the choir.

suvioso: a gradual buildup to a fiery conclusion.

Symphony - To feel sad for someone

T

Tacet: Unspoken assumption about the music.

Tamburo: Office that regulates headgear for bagpipe players.

Tango: It happens with all those night gigues and no sunshine.

Tempe Arizona : a hot passage.

Tempi: Arizona city notable for its strict music laws.

Tempo: (1) Good choice for a used car (2) This is where a headache begins.

Tempo tantrum: (1) What a young orchestra is having when it's not keeping time with the conductor. (2) what the conductor has when the orchestra can't keep up with him/her.

Ten.: Hold for 10 beats.

tenor: two hours before a nooner.

The Rights of Strings: manifesto of the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Bowed Instruments.

Theme and variations: "The singing was terrible, the production was awful, and those costumes!"

Theme: "Oh, the singing was terrible!"

Third inversion: Reason for a third-stage smog alert.

Timbre: Warning shout before performing Paul Bunyan songs.

time signature: what you need from your boss if you forget to clock in.

Timpani Alley: (1) A row of kettledrums. Term originated in New York City area. (2) Percussion instruments played in Tim Pan Alley.

tincanabulation: the annoying or irritating sounds made by an unmusical person using extremely cheap bells.

toiletto: the effect on the human voice of reverberation in small rooms with ceramic tiles.

Tone Cluster: A chordal orgy first discovered by a well-endowed woman pianist leaning forward for a page turn.

Tonic: (1) Medicinal liquid to be consumed before, during, or after a performance. (Diatonic: This is what happens to some musicians.) (2) Upscale drink. (3) What is often enjoyed over ice after an evening at the opera.

Transposition: (1) An advanced recorder technique where you change from alto to soprano fingering (or vice-versa) in the middle of a piece (2) The act of moving the relative pitch of a piece of music that is too low for the basses to a point where it is too high for the sopranos.

Transpositions: Men who wear dresses

transsectional: an alto who moves to the soprano section.

Treble: (1) women ain't nothin' but (2) When executed badly, three times as hard to listen to.

Trill: The musical equivalent of an epileptic seizure.

Triple Meter: Only rich people should park by these.

Triplet: One of three children, born to one mother very closely in time. If a composer uses a lot of triplets he has probably been taking a fertility drug.

Trombone: (1) Attached to the thigh bone (2) Musical instrument with extendible slide mechanism designed for the purpose of poking people in the butt and raising majorette's short dresses while standing at parade rest.

trope: a malevolent neum.

Trotto: An early Italian form of Montezuma's Revenge

trouble clef: any clef one can't read; e.g. the alto or tenor clefs for keyboard players.

Trumpet Voluntary: Unpaid fanfare.

Trumpeter: (1) trumpet player who, no matter how hard he or she tries, can only seem to play fortissimo. (2) someone who is constantly emptying his or her spit valve.

Tuba: a compound word - "Hey, woman! Fetch me another tuba Bryll Cream!"

Tubist - person who mindlessly chose to play the biggest, heaviest and smelliest instrument.

Tutti: (1) A lot of sackbuts (2) Sounds of disapproval from the audience.

U

Unison: First-born.

Up-beat: In conducting, showing a happy demeanor.

Upright piano: Church piano, never used to play 'bad songs.'

V

Vamping: Musical style from Transylvania .

Vibrato: 1) The singer's equivalent of an epileptic seizure. 2) Used by singers to hide the fact that they are on the wrong pitch.

Viol: Small bottle of smelling salts to revive performer after sustained high notes.

Viola da gamba: African viola from Gambia , also known as the African violet.

Viola: Violin on steroids.

Violone: Section consisting of a single viola player.

Virtuoso: A musician with very high morals. Probably uses an upright piano.

W

Well-Tempered Clavier: St. Francis (see Klavier) on a good day.

whole note: what's due after failing to pay the mortgage for a year.

Wind instrument: Mechanical instrument, e.g. music box, which must be wound up.

woodwind: a noise in the game of golf, made by a club missing the ball on a tee shot

X

Xylophone: Not a marimba, glockenspiel, or celesta. The skeleton in the percussion closet.

Y

Yodel: Song sung by a character from Star Wars.

Z

Zither: Exotic instrument played by The Third Man, who dithered on the zither.